Mars is in retrograde, which means nothing to 90% of people reading horoscopes. I figure it’s supposed to mean like things are slowing down, so I’m predicting things will slow down this week. Let’s see what my senses tell me about this week for all the signs. By senses, I mean it’ll come to me as I write it. By signs, I mean, all of us are messed up and don’t take this personally.

Aries

You’ll start the week by congratulating yourself on being the number one sign in astrology. You’re the best sign, and that’s why you’re number one. I’m an Aries, but this is by no means biased; it’s very clear Aries is a divine sign. You’ll mess it up in the middle of the week, I say, around Thursday by doing something reckless and impulsive. Seize the day, my gorgeous lunatic Aries, who needs any planning when you’re, after all, the best sign. You’ll find something new to obsess with on Tuesday, then again on Friday. Of course, it’ll be something difficult to obtain so it can take over your life. Then you’ll cry because you can’t get what you want the very second you set your eyes on it, you spoiled little toddler. …

Relationships are like avocados. You never know how to pick a good one, they take forever to mature, and if you don’t pay attention for one second, it all goes rotten. Also, the best ones come from South America? I lost myself in this metaphor, but the point was that it all sucks.

If you’re going through a break-up, I’m sorry to hear that, but also you knew this was going to happen, what were you thinking, like, love, is enough? Love is never enough.

Self Destruct

You should totally do this. Drink everything. Mix Baileys and red wine. Try some new drugs, why not? Nothing matters anyway. Heroin perhaps? …

It’s almost embarrassing how little I spend on flying. Hey, us peasants want to see the world too. I was never taught how to save money. Growing up, I had no “travel dreams” or a “savings account”. I had a civil war and a city bustling with heroin addicts. My country is fine now, by the way, wipe your tears. What I’m trying to say is you can be a financial cripple, but still get around the world on extremely cheap flights. Like any traveler on a budget (what we call poor people these days), you pay with time and not money. …

“Oh my God, we are all going to die!” I looked around, and everyone was calm, too calm for me. I was hyperventilating. My legs wanted to cry.

The plane took off.

Every sound was the sound of “engine falling apart”, every little twitch was “us falling”.

“God, if you get me through this flight I promise never to throw cigarette butts on the floor again, I will never ghost a guy again and I won’t call in sick when I’m actually hungover.”

We landed safely, but from that day every flight has been a nightmare.

A week before any trip, my body would start to panic. …

Just give up. I’m kidding, I know some things that can help you.

Nail salons are the worst.

My biggest anxiety-inducing moments used to be (other than baby showers):

1. Going to any place with a teller such as banks or government places.
2. Job Interviews
3. Nail Salons
4. Hairdressers
5. Any place where you walk in and people automatically stop what they’re doing to look at you because you opened the door.

How to deal with all this anxiety?

My little panicky friends, who still read this (because I never follow curation guidelines and thus never get curated), the key is to either keep doing it or not do it all. …

Everything became blurry. That’s when I realized this is not just a classic case of pink eye.

Vietnam, the country with great coffee, fascinating landscapes, and ancient history. Maybe one day I’ll get to see this side of the country.

To Me, Vietnam is A Dirty, Infested Place Where I Got Trachoma

I know, I went to a third world country and, gasp, there were third-world standards. I’m not saying it’s Vietnam’s fault, you know what, I’m not gonna justify myself.

So WTF happened?

Well, we went to this place to teach English. The same process I’ve already done in Colombia.
No, I didn’t expect the Hilton hotel, I mean there was no hot water in Colombia either so whatever. Here I am justifying myself again. …

The soul-sucking process of looking for a job.

Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash

It’s unbelievable how much rejection you face when trying to get a job. We all know it, we’re all sort of prepared for it, but seriously, I’m so over it.

I know it’s a competitive market out there, and we’re supposed to be grateful for every chance we get at the possibility of a decent job. I also understand why we have job interviews, and I understand that every conversation is a learning opportunity.

But you know what?

Not today.

Today I’m not in the mood to do yoga, meditate, focus on positive thinking, or healthy thoughts. I’m not in the mood to stroke egos in the off chance of getting one of those egos to consider me worthy of a paycheck. …

Nuisances of society I successfully avoid.

I have a strong dislike for a lot of things. In fact, I have a list. Wanna see the list? Here are two items on it.

The List of Things I Dislike

Bridal showers and/or baby showers

I’ll just send you some money, please don’t invite me. I’m happy for your upcoming marriage and/or a baby I just hate those “silly” games, all the gushing and gawking, ugh.

Small talk

But you can’t start a conversation with “How do you think we can help stop female genital mutilation?”
Maybe you can, I’ll do a test run and let you know.

How To Avoid Partaking In Bridal Showers / Baby Showers (And Similar Events)

Lie

Say you have to work — that’s the easiest one. Do they know that you don’t have to work? Say you have a doctor’s appointment. Another wedding. The important thing is that you yourself believe in your lie, it’s easier that way. …