By we, I mean me. By things, I mean other people.
You know life is but a series of moments… no, I’m not starting with this crap. Here is a list of things that irritate me, but can’t do much about them but live with these people and ideas around me and mind my own business because who the fuck I am to tell you how to live your life?
North America, I’m looking at you when I say this with nothing but good intentions but calm the fuck down with high pitch voices and overexaggerated smiles; you all know you hate each other. You don’t need to be a dick to people you meet. You can just be normal. Why do waitresses have to have a whole intro of who they are like “Hi, my name is Norma Jean, I’m just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world, my dream was to bring you chicken wings, I’m here for you to complain about the temperature of the water.” Why do you insist on mind-numbing small talk with everyone all the time when nothing ever comes out of it? Why do you have the need to tell people to smile? I don’t fuckin feel like grinning around. …
Mars is in retrograde, which means nothing to 90% of people reading horoscopes. I figure it’s supposed to mean like things are slowing down, so I’m predicting things will slow down this week. Let’s see what my senses tell me about this week for all the signs. By senses, I mean it’ll come to me as I write it. By signs, I mean, all of us are messed up and don’t take this personally.
You’ll start the week by congratulating yourself on being the number one sign in astrology. You’re the best sign, and that’s why you’re number one. I’m an Aries, but this is by no means biased; it’s very clear Aries is a divine sign. You’ll mess it up in the middle of the week, I say, around Thursday by doing something reckless and impulsive. Seize the day, my gorgeous lunatic Aries, who needs any planning when you’re, after all, the best sign. You’ll find something new to obsess with on Tuesday, then again on Friday. Of course, it’ll be something difficult to obtain so it can take over your life. Then you’ll cry because you can’t get what you want the very second you set your eyes on it, you spoiled little toddler. …
Relationships are like avocados. You never know how to pick a good one, they take forever to mature, and if you don’t pay attention for one second, it all goes rotten. Also, the best ones come from South America? I lost myself in this metaphor, but the point was that it all sucks.
If you’re going through a break-up, I’m sorry to hear that, but also you knew this was going to happen, what were you thinking, like, love, is enough? Love is never enough.
You should totally do this. Drink everything. Mix Baileys and red wine. Try some new drugs, why not? Nothing matters anyway. Heroin perhaps? …
It’s almost embarrassing how little I spend on flying. Hey, us peasants want to see the world too. I was never taught how to save money. Growing up, I had no “travel dreams” or a “savings account”. I had a civil war and a city bustling with heroin addicts. My country is fine now, by the way, wipe your tears. What I’m trying to say is you can be a financial cripple, but still get around the world on extremely cheap flights. Like any traveler on a budget (what we call poor people these days), you pay with time and not money. …
“Oh my God, we are all going to die!” I looked around, and everyone was calm, too calm for me. I was hyperventilating. My legs wanted to cry.
The plane took off.
Every sound was the sound of “engine falling apart”, every little twitch was “us falling”.
“God, if you get me through this flight I promise never to throw cigarette butts on the floor again, I will never ghost a guy again and I won’t call in sick when I’m actually hungover.”
We landed safely, but from that day every flight has been a nightmare.
A week before any trip, my body would start to panic. …
Just give up. I’m kidding, I know some things that can help you.
My biggest anxiety-inducing moments used to be (other than baby showers):
My little panicky friends, who still read this (because I never follow curation guidelines and thus never get curated), the key is to either keep doing it or not do it all. …
Everything became blurry. That’s when I realized this is not just a classic case of pink eye.
Vietnam, the country with great coffee, fascinating landscapes, and ancient history. Maybe one day I’ll get to see this side of the country.
I know, I went to a third world country and, gasp, there were third-world standards. I’m not saying it’s Vietnam’s fault, you know what, I’m not gonna justify myself.
Well, we went to this place to teach English. The same process I’ve already done in Colombia.
No, I didn’t expect the Hilton hotel, I mean there was no hot water in Colombia either so whatever. Here I am justifying myself again. …
The soul-sucking process of looking for a job.
It’s unbelievable how much rejection you face when trying to get a job. We all know it, we’re all sort of prepared for it, but seriously, I’m so over it.
I know it’s a competitive market out there, and we’re supposed to be grateful for every chance we get at the possibility of a decent job. I also understand why we have job interviews, and I understand that every conversation is a learning opportunity.
But you know what?
Today I’m not in the mood to do yoga, meditate, focus on positive thinking, or healthy thoughts. I’m not in the mood to stroke egos in the off chance of getting one of those egos to consider me worthy of a paycheck. …
Nuisances of society I successfully avoid.
I have a strong dislike for a lot of things. In fact, I have a list. Wanna see the list? Here are two items on it.
I’ll just send you some money, please don’t invite me. I’m happy for your upcoming marriage and/or a baby I just hate those “silly” games, all the gushing and gawking, ugh.
But you can’t start a conversation with “How do you think we can help stop female genital mutilation?”
Maybe you can, I’ll do a test run and let you know.
Say you have to work — that’s the easiest one. Do they know that you don’t have to work? Say you have a doctor’s appointment. Another wedding. The important thing is that you yourself believe in your lie, it’s easier that way. …
Being lazy is good for your productivity, so you can stop feeling guilty now.
Look up “productivity” and you will find a sea of advice about waking up early, exercising, eating healthy and getting off the couch. Everyone is “busy” and “on-the-go”. It feels as though we should be ashamed if we’re not spending every moment working. We forget all the good things that can come out of being lazy. Here are a few:
When you’re lazy you’ll do anything to do less. It comes naturally to you to find a way to do so. Smartphones are the invention of the lazy. Someone has had enough of having to carry calculators, cameras and phones and voila! …