Cuddle With Your Demons
Accept Your Dark Side And Make it Work With You
My potential ideal version of myself and I have imaginary conversations all the time. Over the years, they have changed. But it took a lot of work, and it’s still far far far from perfect. The ideal version once had these ideas to make a plan for me which if I follow I will get to be *a rich, beautiful, polyglot that does yoga, goes on runs at 6 am, takes cold showers and meal preps every Sunday, has a closet full of designer clothes, plays violin, guitar, drums, knows capoeira and runs a business* this time next year. Things are that simple.
5 am- wake up
5: 15 am- go for a run
6:00 am- cold shower, breakfast
6:30 am- write 10, 000 words
8:00 am- go to work, bring your cooked lunch
5:00 pm-study *some language*
6:00 pm- practice *some instrument*
7:00 pm- read
8:00 pm- cook dinner
9:00 pm- prep for tomorrow and go to sleep
And we already know how this thing goes.
Except the ideal version of me forgot that the worst version of me also co-exists with us. And the worst version of me is spiteful, and will not take lightly to being ignored. So the worst version sabotaged our plans, I’d go back to the same old habits, mindsets, behaviors and results. We would go back to square one, and the ideal version of me would go back to revising a new plan. Usually, after reading some productivity book, hack or seeing some inspirational video. This time next year we will be *rich, beautiful, and a morning person with a successful best-seller who also plays violin and speaks 8 languages*.
The Comfortable Self-Sabotage
That was the case for many years until the new plan became to include the worst version of me. It likes to feel included. So while it does create roadblocks for us as a collective personality, it also brings the imperfections that make me who I am to light. As such, it makes them not something to try to bury, but accept the inner freak and give it a lil hug. Maybe you know about the Jungian shadow, maybe not, I’m not going to explain it but it has done some pretty positive things for me.
While I used to love the idea to be the person that goes on a morning run every single day and starts working at 8 am with some fuckin smoothie in hand, I will never be one. The worst version of me will always want to self-destruct and create chaos. I have to allow it to do so every now and then but in a controlled environment. Keep the demon full, so it doesn’t come after the rest of us when it’s starving sort of thing.
The ideal version of myself had to accept that the demon is always there, we can’t kill it, and we can’t get rid of it, but we can manipulate it and keep it entertained enough not to wreak havoc. Because it’s comfortable to be your usual fucked up self, and it’s a set of habits that’s hard to break. But little by little we can at least try.
How to Work With The Worst Version of Yourself?
Fuck if I know, but, but, but… the thing that has done something for me — where I can actually see changes in mental health, behavior, and habits was to — understand it first. This seems like an easy thing but there are many character traits in ourselves we don’t see. How do you recognize them?
Think of a trait that really irritates you in other people. One that causes a reaction within you that’s hard to control. Kind of like those people who love drama who always say they hate drama but are surrounded by it. Those people love drama, but only a small percentage can actually see it in themselves. Those traits you despise in other people could be the traits you have in you and are projecting your feelings of self-hate onto other people. I’m not a psychologist so look into this, but it’s just what worked for me.
Then make a list (or don’t, I don’t care what you do) with a few of these shitty traits, and see yourself as disgusting as you are. But then make a list of the things that are the best version of you, and see yourself as amazing as you are. Think of those people as coworkers working on a project. How would they work together?
Something like that I think. And then just spend years of your life in a daily battle with very little progress and constant self-doubt, but eventually, you see the changes. It doesn’t get any easier, but you do get better, so that’s something.
