Death, Job Interviews and Taxes
The soul-sucking process of looking for a job.
Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash
It’s unbelievable how much rejection you face when trying to get a job. We all know it, we’re all sort of prepared for it, but seriously, I’m so over it.
I know it’s a competitive market out there, and we’re supposed to be grateful for every chance we get at the possibility of a decent job. I also understand why we have job interviews, and I understand that every conversation is a learning opportunity.
But you know what?
Not today.
Today I’m not in the mood to do yoga, meditate, focus on positive thinking, or healthy thoughts. I’m not in the mood to stroke egos in the off chance of getting one of those egos to consider me worthy of a paycheck.
Today I’m in the mood to listen to metal in the corner of my room.
It is always the same old situation.
You’ve sent out a resume to a population of a medium-sized country, and one of them decides to dignify you with a response. Now it’s time to put on your best clothes (that one blazer you’ve had since 1998), wash and untangle the mess that is your hair and dig out your enthusiasm for a job interview.
You’re there 10 minutes early because you want to show respect for their time but not too early not to seem too eager. Of course, they make you wait because of fuck your time, you pathetic peasant.
And the show begins.
What Is Your Weakness?
If I hear this question one more time, I’m going to staple myself to a wall until I bleed out and die in my shit. That’s my weakness. Am I supposed to do that thing where I put a weakness that’s actually a strength? Am I expected to say something like “I care too much” (ugh), or are we done with that already? Have you heard this enough times to give it a rest?
Why Did You Quit Your Last Job?
Because it sucked. Because I was overworked, underpaid, and I had to ask three managers permission to go to the bathroom.
Not because it “was time to move on.” Not because “I needed a chance to grow.”
You know I’m lying when I say that, I know I’m lying when I say that. Yet we keep playing this bullshit dance over and over. Let it go.
Why Do You Want This Job?
Because I’m B R O K E.
I walked an hour to get here because I couldn’t afford the bus and I’m excited about my next meal that will probably happen next week.
But I can’t say it’s money because, gasp, we do not talk about money.
Well, Sean, I want to be a waitress because I thoroughly enjoy bringing people plates. As a little girl, I dreamt of cleaning up half-eaten chicken wings and verbal abuse from Karen. Why yes, I love not having a break in 12 hours and eating cold food in the closet you call the employee room but my favorite part of it all is when we go cry in the walk-in freezer.
Why Do You Want To Work For Our Company?
You called me in for an interview. I didn’t even hear about your company until I saw the ad. Why are you making me pretend I care about this company so much over the others? I’ll work wherever they hire me, calm down.
What Are Your Hobbies?
You don’t give a shit about my hobbies.
What Kind of Pay Are You Looking For?
A million dollars, but you want me to guess exactly what you were planning on paying me, am I right?
Why Should We Hire You?
Ladies and gentlemen, its time for some good old-fashioned tight rope walking. Be humble yet brag. Be confident, but not too confident. Speak about your success, but not in an intimidating way. Don’t ask for too much, but don’t ask for too little. Stay calm, but not too calm. Smile! Not too much! It’s the crossover episode of Miss Universe and Shark Tank!
The Interview Is Going Bad
You already decided you’re not going to hire me?
By all means, drag the interview on for another 45 minutes. Please, waste both of our times.
Ask me about my knowledge of quantum mechanics for this HR position. I will describe a time I stayed calm under pressure, and a time I solved an issue, and a time I turned back time. You decided 25 questions ago I’m not fit for this job so what is this, some power trip? Would you like the little monkey to dance for you?
Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?
I see myself sipping rum cocktails in an infinity pool in Bali with a perfect tan and a six-pack away from all of you soul-sucking leeches.
