How To Avoid Small Talk And Baby Showers
Nuisances of society I successfully avoid.
I have a strong dislike for a lot of things. In fact, I have a list. Wanna see the list? Here are two items on it.
The List of Things I Dislike
Bridal showers and/or baby showers
I’ll just send you some money, please don’t invite me. I’m happy for your upcoming marriage and/or a baby I just hate those “silly” games, all the gushing and gawking, ugh.
Small talk
But you can’t start a conversation with “How do you think we can help stop female genital mutilation?”
Maybe you can, I’ll do a test run and let you know.
How To Avoid Partaking In Bridal Showers / Baby Showers (And Similar Events)
Lie
Say you have to work — that’s the easiest one. Do they know that you don’t have to work? Say you have a doctor’s appointment. Another wedding. The important thing is that you yourself believe in your lie, it’s easier that way.
Tell the truth
You hate going to these things, tell them. Lose a friend? Maybe. Are they important to you? How much? If they’re a true friend they know how much you hate these things and won’t even invite you.
Fake A Sickness
Commit. A couple of days prior start pretending you have a sore throat, throw a cough here and there. Make that face like you just ate a lemon. Then start complaining more and more, level it up. Finally, at the dawn of the doomsday, make the phone call and apologize because you really wanted to be there but oh, no… you are just so sick.
Book A Trip
Oh nooo, your thing is on the 5th, but that’s exactly when I booked my flight to Barcelona oh nooo. Yea, it’s non-refundable. I’ll be there in spirit, of course.
Actually Get Sick
This is reserved for close friends and family because they will know when you’re lying. This is only if you would rather be sick than sit through one of these things. Just walk around with wet hair (in the cold) or eat some raw chicken, it should work.
How To Avoid Partaking In Small Talk
Tell Them About Your Contagious Infection
I went to Vietnam and contracted trachoma. The percentage of people who left the conversation once they realized I have a contagious disease was 100. Even if you don’t have one, say you do. It works.
You Don’t Speak The Language
No English, sorry. Ne engleski, ne, ne.
Pretend You See Someone You Know
Erica! How are you looking so beautiful? I’m furious!
Walk away.
Get Really Drunk
You’ll at least be in the mood to have a conversation about everyone’s job.
What do you do Steven? — I’m in statistical analysis. And you Jessica? — I’m in HR.
Fascinating.
Book A Trip
Leaving the country means leaving the conversation. Of course, maybe you’ll have to engage in other small talks. The ones that are about travel, where have you been, how long are you staying, where are you from, etc.
Just use the language thing here.
Start Coughing
You don’t have to have Trachoma, you can just start coughing. You’ll be disgusting to most people, hopefully.
Fake A Phone Call
Oldest trick in the book.
Work is just so annoying, they can’t do anything without me these days.
Stay At Home
No people = no small talk.
