Totally Accurate Weekly Horoscope
That comes out on a Tuesday.
Mars is in retrograde, which means nothing to 90% of people reading horoscopes. I figure it’s supposed to mean like things are slowing down, so I’m predicting things will slow down this week. Let’s see what my senses tell me about this week for all the signs. By senses, I mean it’ll come to me as I write it. By signs, I mean, all of us are messed up and don’t take this personally.
Aries
You’ll start the week by congratulating yourself on being the number one sign in astrology. You’re the best sign, and that’s why you’re number one. I’m an Aries, but this is by no means biased; it’s very clear Aries is a divine sign. You’ll mess it up in the middle of the week, I say, around Thursday by doing something reckless and impulsive. Seize the day, my gorgeous lunatic Aries, who needs any planning when you’re, after all, the best sign. You’ll find something new to obsess with on Tuesday, then again on Friday. Of course, it’ll be something difficult to obtain so it can take over your life. Then you’ll cry because you can’t get what you want the very second you set your eyes on it, you spoiled little toddler. But it’s okay, by the end of the week, you’ll find a way to get it, you psychopath.
Taurus
I’m guessing you won’t do much but hate on everyone. You’ll find a new hobby, and you’ll abuse everyone involved with it until things are done to absolute perfection and to your standards, almost like a Virgo would, almost. It’s okay, it’s better to be feared than loved because fear lasts longer, you’ll say to your crying colleague. It’s not your fault everyone is an idiot. You’ll spend money on shopping this week because you feel like you deserve only the best and the best costs money. Then you’ll feel guilty because of it and eat your feelings until you pass out. You’ll end the week by gossiping everyone, you know, because flaws are there to be pointed out. You might make a Pisces cry, but they are little emotional messes anyway.
Gemini
You don’t even know what you’ll do this week, let alone me. Who the fuck knows with your bipolar ass. You’ll be angry at something at the beginning of the week, but then someone will give you a compliment, and because you’re a narcissist, of course, you’ll bask in it and be in a good mood, until you’re again not. You’ll find a way to make everything about you at a weekend event, but not in an obvious way a Leo would, but more subtle, with false humility. Like you’re not at all self-involved, you just like to have fun. You’re a fun happy Gemini, yay! Until you become the demon. Then we’re back to the fun! I like you crazy motherfuckers tho, and seriously what’s the point of a horoscope for you? You will just do some crazy shit and then just say, “I’m a Gemini, I can’t help it.”
Cancer
You are the real villain of horoscope, but you’re smart and manipulative, so you let Scorpio live with the reputation of a villain while you’re all like, “but I’m emotional, all I do is cry.” Sure you are, but you use that to your advantage whenever you can. You’ll start the week by manipulating someone and then make them think it was their fault by the middle. By the end of the week, you’ll have them apologizing to you. You’ll cause arguments at work, but no one will guess it was you who stirred the pot because you’re such a nice person. Of course, you’ll have to get all way too emotional over nothing at least once and then let the emotions take you on a journey few can follow, but no one can deal with.
Leo
You’ll tell everyone you’re a Leo, and you’ll talk about other people that you know that are also a Leo and how that makes them great. On Wednesday, you’ll stress because someone won’t pay attention to you, but when they do, you’ll stress because they’re paying too much attention to you. People need to know how to give attention the right way, I agree. You’ll spend way too much money. You always do, don’t worry. You’ll spend it all on your vanity…or out partying when you decide to buy drinks for the whole bar. You’re a Leo, the star of the zodiac, and you have to look the part. You’ll talk a lot, but you won’t say much. You’re actually a very private person, but you mask it with constant rambling about different shit. Shine on you crazy diamond, and buy yourself a diamond; you’ll pay rent next month.
Virgo
What’s the point of a horoscope when you’ll just overthink and over plan shit anyway? You just want me to tell you things will work out exactly how you planned them so here. Things are going to work exactly how you planned them. You’ll find something to stress about, you’ll bully people with your attention to irrelevant details, and you’ll find all the ways your week could go wrong. You’ll then overthink your overthinking and trigger another anxiety attack. Go clean something, you neurotic little mess. Where would the world be without the Virgo there to remind them things are not perfect? The world would be a mess, so thanks for being the designated driver all the time, but try to be spontaneous this week, just once, just to see how it feels.
Libra
You’re just going to chill with your friends, do the work you need to do, and have a few beers at the end of the week. You know, balance it all out. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and everyone is happy. God forbid you don’t make everyone happy. You’ll see your intellectual friends midweek, where you’ll talk about the great books you read. You’ll work on the house a little bit this week too. Then you’ll see your party friends at the end of the week, but you won’t get too drunk. Just enough, balance. Level. You can’t be a boring party breaker, but you also can’t be embarrassing. You know how to achieve the perfect middle. Everyone wants to hate you, but you’re just so damn nice to be around that no one can. So whatever, enjoy your emotional stability while the rest of us cry into tubs of ice cream. You’ll be there to support us, though, because you’re so fuckin nice. Then you’ll go home and wonder how people can live with so much drama in their lives? Because we’re not putting everything on a scale all the fuckin time.
Scorpio
You’ll start your week by condescending someone. It’ll be because they insulted you first, but your comeback will be so mean that everyone will make you the bad guy. You know you just sting when you’re hurt because deep inside, you’re a little emotional cutie, but you proudly wear the villain sign on you because it keeps the people away. By the end of the week, you’ll plan out the perfect revenge on your former middle school best friend because you needed to sit on this for years so you could execute the plan perfectly. They’ll be sorry they ever messed with a Scorpio. Then you’ll think about all the people you need to punish next week. You know, just Scorpio things. Your “not a relationship” relationship might go to the next level, and you’ll get to “it might one day be a relationship” stage this week, so congratulations, in a few years, you’ll get there.
Sagittarius
You’ll plan out your whole week on Monday. You’ll give yourself so much shit to do that by Tuesday, you’ll fail and mentally execute yourself because you didn’t achieve this insanity. On Wednesday, you’ll go out because you only live once. You’ll feel guilty on Thursday, but by Friday, you’ll have a whole new plan for a new year, new you. You’ll dramatically announce how you’re done with everyone’s bullshit. You’re going to isolate from the world until your fun friend suggests going out, then you’ll remind yourself things should begin on a Monday so you’ll go out and be the life of the party, but on Sunday, you’ll judge everyone that was there, including yourself. Starting tomorrow, you have a plan on how to become perfect. You’ll write a list of three hundred things to do.
Capricorn
I don’t know anything about Capricorns. Sounds like an Aries knock off if you ask me. Let me Google what you do. Seriously, I have no clue what this sign is supposed to act like, so you don’t get a horoscope this week. Maybe I’ll write another one in my life where I’ll give you the most attention. Go read Susan Miller.
Aquarius
Every Aquarius I ever met is different from the other, which tells me one of two things. We can’t divide people into 12 categories and call it a day or Aquarius people are just going with the stereotype of being individuals. So for the purposes of this … whatever this is… I’ll go with the second one. This week you’ll do everything to show the world you’re so different and special. You’ll come up with new fun and original thing to do every day, but not everyone wants to go to a botanic garden to count the petals on yellow roses like fuck you guys need to just not do extra all the fuckin time. I don’t know, man, it’s hard to diss Aquarius people, fuck you.
Pisces
This is a sign that’s so easy to bully; it’s not even fun to do. It’s like punching a child. Just…I’m sorry you’re a Pisces. You already have a hard enough time with that.
